ladidadidoo

so, this is a whimsical post..

When I was younger, my daddy was my world. My big brother used to terrorize me in the best possible way, but I still didn't get along with him. My dad would always teach me things and keep me away from him. He's the reason I like math, and physics, and action movies, and music. My dad helped me shape who I am today.

As I got older, we sort of parted ways, didn't have as much to talk about. Our main shtick was to gain up on mom with our love of dill pickles, and movies that might contain snakes. When he got sick, I was devestated, confused, and overly unsure. I'm a highly practical kind of girl, and my first question was should I deferr my acceptance at Carleton for a year, just so I could be around. He refused me, dead on. NO, and I'm just feeling like I've been focusing on the bad parts of being at school, and the new year gives me an opportunity to give it another try.

you know those rles I was talkng big about changing? I don't think I had time to think about it with everything going on. I think I've learned how to manage my school work and emotional bggage, so next semseter i might be abe t bring a little bit more to my plate. all those things I meant to do, get involved with the radio station, volunteer for somethings. . . resumes packing, and just trying to meet new people.

so, that and working on my conversational skills are my new years resolutions...

Merry Christmas, What?

Bah Humbug.

This year is almost over, and I'm afraid that it is only the beginning of a lonely, miserable life.

My last post was a rant on my overly emotional mother, and as I type this I am overwhelmed by own personal grief. It's kinda fitting that I haven't written anything frivolous since my last post. A lot has happened, and I don't know if I've taken much of it for good things.

First off, My father passed away, died. November 21st. He got really sick at the beginning of November. His liver had already been failing, but the doctor now said three months. Tops. I had been in university... my first year. Political Science at Carleton. I came home for two weeks, he seemed to be levelling out for the long haul, I was hoping to see him again at Christmas. Suffice to say, I managed to scrape through my finals with a decent GPA. or so far it would seem that way. Still waiting on some exam marks.

Second of all, I am a loser, with no social skills. and I will always live alone, because my way of social communications is to never be unpredictable. Except when I want to scream. then you should probably cover your ears.

Yep, I'm absolutely miserable, and to top it all off... It's christmas.

you could say, that I've got a shit load of resolutions and no bloody inspiration? Who cares if I fall off the side of the earth, and become a bum. Other than my Mother, who I can't stand to think about leaving. She was there for every minute of him suffering, and now she's all alone. She's known my father since she was 16! He was her entire life, and now... Now we're just trying to find a place we can call home.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Really don't care either. Just want to be gross eating junk food watching videos in my p.js. too bad I can't just do that or people will send me to a home.

My God.

My Fucked up family. God Damn.

Soooooo... My Dad went into the Hospital on May 27, he's been in there a week now. He's not looking fabulous, and Both MOM and DAD have talked to me about the chance that he might die. I understand, It doesn't need to be said. Now that it has... well, It can't be unsaid.

Mom doesn't feel needed. She says she won't visit him anymore. I find this useless and selfish of her. Fuck. You were spouting shit about how you two haven't been apart for over a month in 30 years, and now you're completely willing to cut him off? what bullshit. She got mad because Dad asked her to stop asking questions he didn't have answers for. and right he should. He's the one in the Hospital, not her. It's his life in his hands.

I know she's worried, and she's totally justified. but. There is a line. and Mom's dramatic opera/faucet of tears isn't what's needed right now. Dad needs to feel love and support, not a cold shoulder.

Fail.

So I said I'd post once a week or so.. well that seemed to fail, but a lot has happened since I last wrote, so please excuse my lapse in attention to this blog. So MARCH BREAK, came and went. I travelled overseas, but despite my new "veiw on life" I didn't do anything crazy. I behaved, cause it made sense at the time, and I had respect for my chaperones. They got more drunk then I did. XD

What was I to do? I hurt my foot, and when I'm away from home too long, I don't really feel chipper. It was fun, but next time I go, I'm not sharing a bathroom with anyone, but my lover.. maybe. if I have one.

So yeah, speaking of Lovers, boy who doesn't know how to treat a lady, has improved. He was sweet, and apparently already knows I'm heavier than most girls, and still says he finds me attractive. Not that I'm not. I know I'm a love machine, but I didn't want to hurt his expectations. I'm all about honesty and such. I'm meeting him tomorrow. Uhh talk about terrified.

I got accepted in University.

Uh? wait what? Accepted? but.. I'm BROKE, in debt. and have to make atleast 400 dollars a week for the next three months to afford the first payment.
and then hopefully, osap will kick in, and I'll be saved. but talk about budgeting myself now. -shrugs- I don't know.. atleast I'm getting more shifts, and things ARE starting to pick up. the Festival brings the city alive from April - November, and I just happen to be good with them ^.^

I also hope I get my old job back, atleast for the summer. 10 bucks an hour, like I could say no to that.

I think I've developed a type of art...
I 'm not quite sure yet, but it's kinda unique. I mean I'VE never seen it. it kinda looks like... that movement... that I can't place. (oh I'll find out, damnit.)

mom's mad at me for skipping school tomorrow. but that's okay. One day won't kill me. :DDD I just need a really good grade in this class. hopefully I can get more money from the school. XDDD

annnddd yeah. Oh, did I tell you what I got accepted to? No... I got into INTERNATIONAL POLITICS, guess what! I'm going to learn languages and the art of dipolmacy, and I'm going to be a one sexy ambassador one day. xD who knows what I'll get into, ONE THING I DO KNOW, MORE PEOPLE NEED TO VOTE.

I need to make it sexy to have opinions again. I need people to become opinionated. I think I can do it. It's my goal. XD

Who says I'll do it alone.... if Anyones reading this, they should help. XD cause I'm just that awesome.

KJ is crazy and she pisses me off. but I'll keep that to myself.

Good night

I've a new veiw on life.

It's time to start living, rather than being constricted by what people think you should do, and what you shouldn't. We constrict ourselves to this wretched existence with merely an assumption on what the RIGHT behaviour is. Well, Fuck that.

Aside for not breaking laws, society has inflicted a set of rules for socializing. There are roles, and people fit into them. Their Behaviour dictates where they fit. It doesn't matter who you are, you've judged someone at sometime. Whether it's about how they dress, how they walk, how they talk, or things you've heard about them. Teenagers usually don't follow "rules" because they're not aware of them. Or they are and they just don't care.

Here are some of my own personal rules for myself. I intend to break some of them in the next year or so.

1. Respect your parents, make them proud.
2. Dress appropriately. You don't want to come off... improper.
3. A lady never tells about her darkest desires.
4. Do what's expected of you.
5. Don't have sex with a guy you don't love.
6. Pay attention to how other people treat you, and learn from it.
7. React in a manner that suits your situation.
8. Think before you act.
9. Plan things before you do them.

I'm sure these feel fairly practical, but I feel smothered by a few of them.

I've already broken the first one, and it's not that I don't respect them. It's I've chosen a life that has no certainties. They're less than thrilled. I can understand why, but I need to try this my way. I'm young and free, and I should do it. It's what I want.

I'm just learning that what's expected of you isn't always in your best interests.

Unfair.

Good Morning,

It's a little early for me to be awake, let alone posting, but I felt a need to get this out.

My mother is the most emotionally unstable person I've ever met. I've met tons of these type... my best friend, current crush, all of these people. I've seen people go to pieces in their lowest moments, but my mom is nothing but the crushed remains of what used to be a fairly strong and independent woman.

We had a fight this morning. We're going to apply for welfare. Last night, Mom told me to do the dishes. This morning she called me everything in the book, for not doing the dishes. It started out with 'if you don't want to help, you should move out,' progressing to 'we were going to move to Ottawa for you! Now you've decided you don't want to be an Architect!" and further still to "I've committed to killing myself the moment you're on that plane to Europe! Have a nice time."

How do you deal with a woman who never really grew up? Who never gets what she wants, when she has all she'll need. She actually said the world would end if she didn't do the dishes. She is mentally deranged. My dad just rolls his eyes, and tell us to stop fighting. I mean, yeah. I should've done the dishes, but they basically barked at me to do it, while I wasn't even in the room. Sorry? A little thing called manners?

My Parents are my "bad examples" and basically what not to do. I can hear her cursing me still. What do you do with that? It's lucky that I'm not as crazy as she is. yet. The thing is she's so irrational. You try to fight her with logic... she'll will stay crazy until hours after what you said sinks in. Sometimes she apologizes. other time, like this one, where she will think she in the right to tell me she would kill herself. Goodie.

I'm a mentally sound individual, despite my mother's negative influence on me. My dad is pretty sane too, most days. There is the occasional outburst from him, but usually he's the quiet and rational one. Which is good, my mother needs him.

So I hope I've painted a picture of the bullshit my mom puts me through. I'm sure there'll be more to come.

I've never done this before.

Hello!

I've never had a blog before. So bear with me, as I become more comfortable with it. I'm not here to bad mouth anyone, specifically, but you may find some of my posts to be pointed. When that happens, know that I'm sorry to anyone who reads this. I'm usually not a cruel person, but my anger does flare up occasionally. It burns out just as fast, but during the time I am angry I need to rage it out. I hope to keep up a post a week. ^.^

So let me introduce myself. I'm eighteen, female, and rather optimistic. I've been told I'm so happy, I come off as broken (meaning I don't react how a 'normal/well adjusted' person would). I like to observe people, and usually have a good idea about things that are going on... I don't mean to be so Dramatic. It's merely something that happens... as I like to say, 'Drama follows me around like a hungry dog. Sometimes I feed him, sometimes I ignore him."

I might post friend gossip here, and I'll try to leave names out as much as possible. To make sense I might assign names to them. As I know certain friends are hilarious, and must be talked about. And others are just completely ridiculous and should be aired out somewhere. It's here or on the ears of my friends.

So I'm a highschool student. I'm in my fifth year, which I must say is the most pointless thing I've ever done in my life. I'm taking an AP class, cause I need more credits for University, even though I'm already graduated. I'm working my butt off for something that might not do me any good, and on top of that I've decided to learn the enitre history of Art. which I must say is a very long history. I might not, merely stick to the AP studio, which doesn't have an exam.

I'm currently involved in an online fling with a boy who has no idea how to treat a lady. Actually I've never really been treated properly, and I'm about fed up. Boys can be a pain in the ass, and I'm such a realist I've never really tried to get a guy that I don't think would be interested in me. It's changing a bit as I age. Once I get out of the cliche of Highschool stereotypes, I might find it a bit easier.

Although you may think I have confidience issues, which I assure you is not the case. Aside from what I don't know about, I have quite a bit of confidience. I'm almost self-centred. But I'm always willing to help some one. I'm quite typically a good girl. I never seem to leave my comfort realm. I think in the next couple years, I'll discover who I want to be. I intend to leave that bubble that is my brain, and explore my options. I've always had options. xD

I've been working my ass of to apply to architecture science. I've suddenly decided I don't think this is what I want to do with my life. Not for lack of research, but merely personal preference. I love to draw, but maybe not what I want to do with my life. I'm so passionate, that it seems a shame to pick a job where I'd have to work on my own, for the most part. I want to network, I want to be involved.

Well so other than my late teen crisis, my life is but a blur of all the right things to do, all the right things to say. Maybe I should take some risks. ^.^

blaimingyou.