I haven't written in a while. I've been very happy these last few weeks, and it took a visual reminder of my loss to bring it to the forefront of my mind.
Instead of getting morose, I felt for a moment like I was thinking back to the good ol' days. In those foggy 3D glasses.
I miss my father. I truly do. I'm lonely, and I feel like I'll never find another soul that will truly understand my own. But I am not depressed, and I am not hopeless.
I instead thought onto the philosophy of mine own eyes. for we are given opportunities mostly when we do not look for them. We miss this chances for the slight beauty that is this world, because we are just ignorant to it's worldly spin. Our eyes do not see clearly. We can claim to do so, but each glance is coloured by our perception. by a specific goal, or a habitual movement.
It's hard to embrace those little moments, when we become so wrapped up in our day to day lives. To take that chance to smell the roses, or as I like to do, enjoy a sunset. become captivated by a skyline, or enjoy the fluid motion of the sea.
It sounds like poetry, and in a way it is. I'm not aiming to be concise or immaculate. As you can already see this post is riddled in mistakes, and yet it is still art. It just is.
Some focus on the negatives in life, and I'm not able to do that. If I did, there would be enough to swallow me whole. I embrace the chance to see light where others say there isn't any. See a million paths, where just one is taken.
I'm incredibly stressed at the moment. I am moving in a less than a month. I am moving onto a more mature lifestyle. However, I will always be that scared little girl; I won't let that scared little girl pick my battles anymore.
I am ambitious. I am oblivious. I am afraid of the unknown. I have always been. I'm confident. I am unique. and GOD FORBID, I settle for less of me. This year... I have recovered.
Daddy, I miss you with all of my heart. I was broken for a long while, and no one could fix me. No one understood, and it would come on in waves of just sincere dread of the days to come without you. those days you should've had. But I can accept that you've been taken from me. you're gone but not forgotten. Your spirit lives on in me, and you would want me to fight for those days. And you would want me to make the best of those days. Daddy, I hope I make you proud of me, because that has been all i ever wanted from so long.
I try to record my grief for you, and it's my joys that seem most surprising. I have the most wonderful friends. I hate them from time to time, just as I do. But they are wonderful people, open and loving, and sometimes the creepiest people I know. But wonderful all the same. Unique in their own ways, and always willing to show me something new.
People say that I am strong. but it is because you never taught me to be weak. You taught me to carry on, even when it seemed that the shit really hit the fan. When we went bankrupt, when we sold the house, and when you were told you were dying. You kept living, until you just couldn't anymore. I will do the best I can, but your shadow is overwhelming in this degree.
I will keep going on. Tony and I are cultivating a relationship, despite the loss of you. Carina's Pregnant, and they're giving him the middle name Daniel, after you. You will be remembered. Regardless of the obstacles we face. Your family lives on and your spirit remains faithful.
I feel as if I've rambled on. I've lost my focus. My own eyes do not see truth, only my interpretation of it. I will hope that I am accurate in this.
Love Always,
A Daughter
