The Time has come.

I haven't written in a while. I've been very happy these last few weeks, and it took a visual reminder of my loss to bring it to the forefront of my mind.

Instead of getting morose, I felt for a moment like I was thinking back to the good ol' days. In those foggy 3D glasses.

I miss my father. I truly do. I'm lonely, and I feel like I'll never find another soul that will truly understand my own. But I am not depressed, and I am not hopeless.

I instead thought onto the philosophy of mine own eyes. for we are given opportunities mostly when we do not look for them. We miss this chances for the slight beauty that is this world, because we are just ignorant to it's worldly spin. Our eyes do not see clearly. We can claim to do so, but each glance is coloured by our perception. by a specific goal, or a habitual movement.

It's hard to embrace those little moments, when we become so wrapped up in our day to day lives. To take that chance to smell the roses, or as I like to do, enjoy a sunset. become captivated by a skyline, or enjoy the fluid motion of the sea.

It sounds like poetry, and in a way it is. I'm not aiming to be concise or immaculate. As you can already see this post is riddled in mistakes, and yet it is still art. It just is.

Some focus on the negatives in life, and I'm not able to do that. If I did, there would be enough to swallow me whole. I embrace the chance to see light where others say there isn't any. See a million paths, where just one is taken.

I'm incredibly stressed at the moment. I am moving in a less than a month. I am moving onto a more mature lifestyle. However, I will always be that scared little girl; I won't let that scared little girl pick my battles anymore.

I am ambitious. I am oblivious. I am afraid of the unknown. I have always been. I'm confident. I am unique. and GOD FORBID, I settle for less of me. This year... I have recovered.

Daddy, I miss you with all of my heart. I was broken for a long while, and no one could fix me. No one understood, and it would come on in waves of just sincere dread of the days to come without you. those days you should've had. But I can accept that you've been taken from me. you're gone but not forgotten. Your spirit lives on in me, and you would want me to fight for those days. And you would want me to make the best of those days. Daddy, I hope I make you proud of me, because that has been all i ever wanted from so long.

I try to record my grief for you, and it's my joys that seem most surprising. I have the most wonderful friends. I hate them from time to time, just as I do. But they are wonderful people, open and loving, and sometimes the creepiest people I know. But wonderful all the same. Unique in their own ways, and always willing to show me something new.

People say that I am strong. but it is because you never taught me to be weak. You taught me to carry on, even when it seemed that the shit really hit the fan. When we went bankrupt, when we sold the house, and when you were told you were dying. You kept living, until you just couldn't anymore. I will do the best I can, but your shadow is overwhelming in this degree.

I will keep going on. Tony and I are cultivating a relationship, despite the loss of you. Carina's Pregnant, and they're giving him the middle name Daniel, after you. You will be remembered. Regardless of the obstacles we face. Your family lives on and your spirit remains faithful.

I feel as if I've rambled on. I've lost my focus. My own eyes do not see truth, only my interpretation of it. I will hope that I am accurate in this.

Love Always,

A Daughter

O.o I've been missing in action, blame tumblr.

I have joined tumblr, so since then I have not posted on my blog.

That, and I've nothing of value to add to this rant wall. :D

If something important happens you'll find out... after about 6 other people.

Exams - oh sweet sorrow.

Well, I'm exhausted. Between my new job and school I haven't had time to blink properly and the assignments are all due tomorrow. I should most likely be working on them, instead of whining to a world that most likely has no interest in this gibberish, but I am always the narcissist and will enjoy my moment of solace from an otherwise dull existence.

The government has decided to hold the conservatives in contempt of parliament and called an election. Oh historical. I can't say I know who I'm voting for and as one of many I'm sure the vote is predominately split. Just not Harper.

Oh Harper. What a last name. Harper the Herpes of Government. Harper, the Harpy from the deep blue sea to shining sea. Harper, why can't you stop harping on the fact that Iggnatief is known for things other than being a politician. really. the profession is nothing to brag about, and the fact that Iggnatief even has a life in the public - seen as a teacher not a politican can only be good. however, they played on the feelings of patriots in this country. It has been a good year for it, at least. with the Olympics and the Royal Wedding and all that is Canadian with the economy being in better shape comparatively than that of the rest of the recession sufferers.

I would like to explain this. We are better off because we did not invest in risky financial practises that earned a lot of money, but also was a house of cards. It was a good decision. one years in practise not specifically because of Harper, or Martin or Whoever else. It's because someone was sane enough in our institutions to not jump on the miraculous gravy train and buy up "securities" which really was someone elses liabilities and when they had defaults on loans... you had to pay them. you buy a security. it's risky and they promise to pay you a premium while you hold on to it. but when they're lending like it's going out of style people are going to default. Mortgages and Lines of Credit... We had to bail out dozens of companies, because they had very risky liabilities and they had to pay out to those who they bought them from.

And then the bonuses. I mean, really?! What happened to Charm school, or I guess why didn't their PR man smack them?

You know, wait. this is only showing one side of me.

Hi again.

Moment of weakness, and I post some dark and unhappy message, and from the past few... and honestly all of my messages on here... well they're from a dark time. I'd like to think I'm being reborn, crawling out of the ashes and dirt of the last couple years... but I've changed and I'm re-assessing what that means for me.

For instance, I'm a university student and I have school, and friends and radical thoughts and crazy dreams.... but I'm lost. I'm still lost. When he died, I lost my guiding star so to speak. I wish he were back, if only for one day. the number of questions I'd ask him....

See, it's like quicksand. I start writing, factually, positively and mush comes out. I miss him terribly, and I've become a drama queen making everything bigger... or have i? I've lost all sense of what a small issue is anymore.

I planned out a new years get together for my friends and I, I went to great lengths to be flexible and accommodating... They all cancelled on me. all 5 of them. Is that a big deal? I thought so, because of their cancelling on me, I became a third wheel at a gay bar at midnight. I got a pity hug from another single lady at the bar. Of course, it's just more evidence I need to live more, and try and connect with other human beings, I should have kissed her there. I didn't want to lead her on, but it would be a funny story for her, and evidence of Mill's ideas on democratic arguing. It would be further proof of my sexuality, because I did it - I would've found true purpose in my own argument that I am straight. Still kinda glad I didn't... cause if I was gay, she definitely wouldn't be my type.

What happened to opening my doors, and exploring the big bad world? My dad died and I crumpled, and pretended to be strong, and people kept living their lives... cause what else can you do? and I was hurt and the world kept turning and now I'm just scared it'll keep hurting me. I'm not so fearless. and I'm lazy and hiding. but I'm lazy because I'm lost. I have no goal, and no purpose.

I used to do random projects for fun and lately I've been reading this book on propaganda for the class that I never seem to make it to anymore... long story short... can't drop it, cause it messes with my funding and I can't seem to make it, cause it's at 8:30 am which is in six and a half hours, and instead of sleeping I'm typing out my feelings to the cyber universe who I don't think really cares half a shit what I write anyways.

but it feels good to write it all down. I used to be so romantic in my writing.... which to be honest, made it extremely corny and horrible, but I still like the emotionally poignant moments when you read or see something that is just so moving that you want to cry or laugh, or both.

there is joy in the world. let's face it and admit it. joy exists. sadness overwhelms me, but joy exists. it's there, in the little moments. When I'm distracted from a bad day by something a friend says or by something a person did. I guess I'm a sucker for a good story, doesn't even have to be true.

Sincerity is important to. although as I get older I feel that it's falling to wayside on how honest people are these days.

man, my feet are cold.

what I want out of life is up in the air. and I need help getting from point a to point b anymore.

Rebuilding myself like the leafs keep trying.

keep trying.
keep trying.


there may still be hope for me. I'm only twenty.

...

when will I stop being that scared little girl who watch her father disappear, but wasn't there when he died?

The days continue on, despite my grasp on the past.

Oh god, some days I feel like I must be the most whiney person on the earth.

I wish I could explain how the last six months have gone by. I'm not entirely sure myself. Day at a time. I finished my first year of University with just under the need grades to keep my scholarship. I got two rejection letters from Universities closer to home, and thank god, cause that would be a bad decision to stay at home.

My mom and I have no relationship anymore. I just stay out of the way when she has friends over. Which is all the time. and while she finds make-work projects, instead of moving on with her life, you know like getting a job, or even just getting back into the habit of writing again I feel like I'm left behind while she experiences life. I don't know how to explain this to you, or anyone. My mom and I always used to fight, but my dad was there to make things better to talk to us both about the reasoning behind the others perspective. He's not here anymore, and just typing that makes me cry. My father was the best person I've ever met. and I know a lot of awesome individuals. Mom and I don't get along anymore, and even just adjusting to me being home for the summer has driven her insane.

We went to Harrison Park this weekend to see Alice Cooper, Lynryd Skynrd and Heart... I only got to go for the first day because My asthma kicked into full gear. some times I feel as if it's completely gone, and other days it's in full force and I'm afraid the next time I won't have the energy to draw a laboured breath. My mom doesn't understand that panic that comes to someone in an asthma attack. she also doesn't believe it's her fault at all that I suffer with this chronic problem. She smoked while she was pregnant with me. fucked my life up before I was even born. That's not fair of me to say, but I feel like that. She has helped form the person I am as much as my father has directed me to my interests. My mother is everything I don't want to be. rude selfish, annoying and demanding. She is always giving me lectures on being a lady, and I don't take anything she says seriously. Once she said "In that moment, you sounded like a whore whose getting fucked up the ass by a columbian drug dealer who has aids." who sounds like the whore? I just.. don't know how to deal with her. she's so emotional. not reasonable.

At the concert, I was left on my own holding the bag so to speak. I sat in the chairs with three empty ones while mom drank her face off. I got to see Alice cooper and that was exciting. but I would have enjoyed company.

I ended up crying cause I wanted my dad so bad. I knew mom wouldn't have drank as much if he had been there, cause he couldn't drink. and he'd have sat with me and enjoyed the show. I would've had so much more fun if he had been there and instead for the second day I got to go home and sleep because I had an asthma attack from all the crying and carrying on. two dogs didn't help, nor the smoking and airfreshener to cover the smell of cigarette smoke and other smoke. I was so out of it, I forgot half my luggage at my Brother's house who was kind enough to take me home.

so I feel lonely and angry. Mom got home and I asked her for time to talk before she went to bed, and she gave me ten minutes where all she said was "I felt so bad..." and "The band was awesome." even though I missed the second day cause of my stupid attack. Bitch. doesn't know compassion if it kicked her in the ass.

ladidadidoo

so, this is a whimsical post..

When I was younger, my daddy was my world. My big brother used to terrorize me in the best possible way, but I still didn't get along with him. My dad would always teach me things and keep me away from him. He's the reason I like math, and physics, and action movies, and music. My dad helped me shape who I am today.

As I got older, we sort of parted ways, didn't have as much to talk about. Our main shtick was to gain up on mom with our love of dill pickles, and movies that might contain snakes. When he got sick, I was devestated, confused, and overly unsure. I'm a highly practical kind of girl, and my first question was should I deferr my acceptance at Carleton for a year, just so I could be around. He refused me, dead on. NO, and I'm just feeling like I've been focusing on the bad parts of being at school, and the new year gives me an opportunity to give it another try.

you know those rles I was talkng big about changing? I don't think I had time to think about it with everything going on. I think I've learned how to manage my school work and emotional bggage, so next semseter i might be abe t bring a little bit more to my plate. all those things I meant to do, get involved with the radio station, volunteer for somethings. . . resumes packing, and just trying to meet new people.

so, that and working on my conversational skills are my new years resolutions...