Oh god, some days I feel like I must be the most whiney person on the earth.
I wish I could explain how the last six months have gone by. I'm not entirely sure myself. Day at a time. I finished my first year of University with just under the need grades to keep my scholarship. I got two rejection letters from Universities closer to home, and thank god, cause that would be a bad decision to stay at home.
My mom and I have no relationship anymore. I just stay out of the way when she has friends over. Which is all the time. and while she finds make-work projects, instead of moving on with her life, you know like getting a job, or even just getting back into the habit of writing again I feel like I'm left behind while she experiences life. I don't know how to explain this to you, or anyone. My mom and I always used to fight, but my dad was there to make things better to talk to us both about the reasoning behind the others perspective. He's not here anymore, and just typing that makes me cry. My father was the best person I've ever met. and I know a lot of awesome individuals. Mom and I don't get along anymore, and even just adjusting to me being home for the summer has driven her insane.
We went to Harrison Park this weekend to see Alice Cooper, Lynryd Skynrd and Heart... I only got to go for the first day because My asthma kicked into full gear. some times I feel as if it's completely gone, and other days it's in full force and I'm afraid the next time I won't have the energy to draw a laboured breath. My mom doesn't understand that panic that comes to someone in an asthma attack. she also doesn't believe it's her fault at all that I suffer with this chronic problem. She smoked while she was pregnant with me. fucked my life up before I was even born. That's not fair of me to say, but I feel like that. She has helped form the person I am as much as my father has directed me to my interests. My mother is everything I don't want to be. rude selfish, annoying and demanding. She is always giving me lectures on being a lady, and I don't take anything she says seriously. Once she said "In that moment, you sounded like a whore whose getting fucked up the ass by a columbian drug dealer who has aids." who sounds like the whore? I just.. don't know how to deal with her. she's so emotional. not reasonable.
At the concert, I was left on my own holding the bag so to speak. I sat in the chairs with three empty ones while mom drank her face off. I got to see Alice cooper and that was exciting. but I would have enjoyed company.
I ended up crying cause I wanted my dad so bad. I knew mom wouldn't have drank as much if he had been there, cause he couldn't drink. and he'd have sat with me and enjoyed the show. I would've had so much more fun if he had been there and instead for the second day I got to go home and sleep because I had an asthma attack from all the crying and carrying on. two dogs didn't help, nor the smoking and airfreshener to cover the smell of cigarette smoke and other smoke. I was so out of it, I forgot half my luggage at my Brother's house who was kind enough to take me home.
so I feel lonely and angry. Mom got home and I asked her for time to talk before she went to bed, and she gave me ten minutes where all she said was "I felt so bad..." and "The band was awesome." even though I missed the second day cause of my stupid attack. Bitch. doesn't know compassion if it kicked her in the ass.
