You know, wait. this is only showing one side of me.

Hi again.

Moment of weakness, and I post some dark and unhappy message, and from the past few... and honestly all of my messages on here... well they're from a dark time. I'd like to think I'm being reborn, crawling out of the ashes and dirt of the last couple years... but I've changed and I'm re-assessing what that means for me.

For instance, I'm a university student and I have school, and friends and radical thoughts and crazy dreams.... but I'm lost. I'm still lost. When he died, I lost my guiding star so to speak. I wish he were back, if only for one day. the number of questions I'd ask him....

See, it's like quicksand. I start writing, factually, positively and mush comes out. I miss him terribly, and I've become a drama queen making everything bigger... or have i? I've lost all sense of what a small issue is anymore.

I planned out a new years get together for my friends and I, I went to great lengths to be flexible and accommodating... They all cancelled on me. all 5 of them. Is that a big deal? I thought so, because of their cancelling on me, I became a third wheel at a gay bar at midnight. I got a pity hug from another single lady at the bar. Of course, it's just more evidence I need to live more, and try and connect with other human beings, I should have kissed her there. I didn't want to lead her on, but it would be a funny story for her, and evidence of Mill's ideas on democratic arguing. It would be further proof of my sexuality, because I did it - I would've found true purpose in my own argument that I am straight. Still kinda glad I didn't... cause if I was gay, she definitely wouldn't be my type.

What happened to opening my doors, and exploring the big bad world? My dad died and I crumpled, and pretended to be strong, and people kept living their lives... cause what else can you do? and I was hurt and the world kept turning and now I'm just scared it'll keep hurting me. I'm not so fearless. and I'm lazy and hiding. but I'm lazy because I'm lost. I have no goal, and no purpose.

I used to do random projects for fun and lately I've been reading this book on propaganda for the class that I never seem to make it to anymore... long story short... can't drop it, cause it messes with my funding and I can't seem to make it, cause it's at 8:30 am which is in six and a half hours, and instead of sleeping I'm typing out my feelings to the cyber universe who I don't think really cares half a shit what I write anyways.

but it feels good to write it all down. I used to be so romantic in my writing.... which to be honest, made it extremely corny and horrible, but I still like the emotionally poignant moments when you read or see something that is just so moving that you want to cry or laugh, or both.

there is joy in the world. let's face it and admit it. joy exists. sadness overwhelms me, but joy exists. it's there, in the little moments. When I'm distracted from a bad day by something a friend says or by something a person did. I guess I'm a sucker for a good story, doesn't even have to be true.

Sincerity is important to. although as I get older I feel that it's falling to wayside on how honest people are these days.

man, my feet are cold.

what I want out of life is up in the air. and I need help getting from point a to point b anymore.

Rebuilding myself like the leafs keep trying.

keep trying.
keep trying.


there may still be hope for me. I'm only twenty.